So my life was like a mudslide at this point in time. Even though my dad had just died, i still didn't believe it. Everything else kept moving whether or not I was ready for it. School kept going. The seasons were changing from winter into spring. Spring~ what a weird thought. Thinking of new life and growth when I still hadn't dealt with death yet. But who should have to deal with death at the age of 9? Dealing with mortality is never an easy thing especially when we~ as humans ~ like to believe that we are immortal for at least part of our lives. Some hold on to that for way too long, and some receive the shock of reality way too early.
My mom was continuing to date, which we all seemed to be okay with. He was young, energetic and liked to wrestle with all of us. His son was funny and liked video games ~ so, in other words, we all got along just fine.
I was unable to process what was happening to us. My life seemed so surreal. It was like when you are dreaming and you know that you're dreaming but it still feels so real and everything in it is so believable that when you wake up you have to think about if it WAS real. I was just wondering when this dream would end.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Missing...
After the week of his funeral, our lives went back to what was to be our new normal. I seemed to be walking around in a serious fog. I had absolutely no concentration. It wasn't until I got my report card that my mom realized that how hard I was taking it. I received my first "F" in social studies. Luckily she, and my teacher, understood why.
Christmas was approaching very quickly. It seemed so surreal to be decorating a lifeless home. None of us knew exactly how to handle the holiday without our dad. When Christmas morning came, knowing that we had even less money than we had in the past, I wasn't too optimistic. We all kind of shuffled out into the living room like zombies just awaking from their death sleep. When I looked, and I mean really looked, into the living room, it was completely full of presents! I had never seen so many gifts in any one room before, and they were all for us. A couple from our church, knowing of our family's circumstances, bought us gifts. To this day, none of us know who the couple was. That was the first year that the Super Nintendo came out and it was there.. right there in our pile. Out of what was the worst tragedy our family could face, we were blessed.
After the new year had come and passed, my days seemed endless. I kept myself going by believing that my dad was really still alive. I wanted to think that he would be home any day now. That he would sweep us all up in a hug that would never end. I wanted my daddy back. I wanted our life to go back to the way it was before. But that was not to be. Our lives were about to change even more.
Later that month, we had our aunt and uncle over. They had asked to bring someone and his son. This man had been over before and had hung out with my dad. All us kids, including his son, were playing the Super Nintendo. I went to the bathroom with the pocket door, and heard some talking from the next room before I went in. I peeked through the crack of our den door and saw my mom and this man kissing. My heart started pounding. I hurriedly closed the door and sat down. I remember repeating "it's not true, it's not true. It can't be". I had always had a weird feeling about that man. I couldn't pin-point it at the time, but it was just weird. So after I was done peeing, I went back into the living room where all the other kids were huddled around the Super NES. I sat down with a complete "deer in the headlights" look. I turned to Mikey, the man's son, and asked him if he cared our parents were kissing. He just shrugged and didn't really care. All I could think about was I felt like my mom was cheating on my dad right in front of my eyes, as I still believed in my grieving world that he would come home, and there was nothing I could do. Nothing.
Christmas was approaching very quickly. It seemed so surreal to be decorating a lifeless home. None of us knew exactly how to handle the holiday without our dad. When Christmas morning came, knowing that we had even less money than we had in the past, I wasn't too optimistic. We all kind of shuffled out into the living room like zombies just awaking from their death sleep. When I looked, and I mean really looked, into the living room, it was completely full of presents! I had never seen so many gifts in any one room before, and they were all for us. A couple from our church, knowing of our family's circumstances, bought us gifts. To this day, none of us know who the couple was. That was the first year that the Super Nintendo came out and it was there.. right there in our pile. Out of what was the worst tragedy our family could face, we were blessed.
After the new year had come and passed, my days seemed endless. I kept myself going by believing that my dad was really still alive. I wanted to think that he would be home any day now. That he would sweep us all up in a hug that would never end. I wanted my daddy back. I wanted our life to go back to the way it was before. But that was not to be. Our lives were about to change even more.
Later that month, we had our aunt and uncle over. They had asked to bring someone and his son. This man had been over before and had hung out with my dad. All us kids, including his son, were playing the Super Nintendo. I went to the bathroom with the pocket door, and heard some talking from the next room before I went in. I peeked through the crack of our den door and saw my mom and this man kissing. My heart started pounding. I hurriedly closed the door and sat down. I remember repeating "it's not true, it's not true. It can't be". I had always had a weird feeling about that man. I couldn't pin-point it at the time, but it was just weird. So after I was done peeing, I went back into the living room where all the other kids were huddled around the Super NES. I sat down with a complete "deer in the headlights" look. I turned to Mikey, the man's son, and asked him if he cared our parents were kissing. He just shrugged and didn't really care. All I could think about was I felt like my mom was cheating on my dad right in front of my eyes, as I still believed in my grieving world that he would come home, and there was nothing I could do. Nothing.
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