Dating?

My mom started really dating Mike. He seemed to be a real fun guy. We all went to church together and everything was great. Shortly, my mom and Mike were planning a wedding for May. All us children were ecstatic... mainly because we were to be a part of the wedding. My mom decided that I was old enough to be her "junior" bridesmaid and Valerie her flower girl. Vincent was to be a "junior" groomsman and Kevin and our to-be-step-brother, Mikey were to both be the ring bearers. I got this absolutely beautiful satin-y blue dress that slightly fell off my shoulders. Valerie had this adorable white dress and got to carry a parasol with flowers that my mom arranged in it. I was so jealous of the parasol.. and that she got to be the flower girl, but I also felt I was mature enough to let it go. I remember wearing my first pair of high heels (ahhh and my obsession with heels starts) and my mom constantly pulling the straps of the dress back up onto my shoulders. I also remember it pulling at my armpits when the straps were pulled up, and pulling them back down. Then as the dinner and dance started, all my female cousins and I were huddled together. There was a young boy who was about our age who was NOT related to us. He was, at that age, super cute. All my cousins were giggling and blushing about going and talking to him. Not me. No sir. I walked right up to him and asked him to dance. We were just about inseparable that night from then on. Somewhere in that time, my sister and I decided that we needed to sing... in front of everyone. And not a whole song... no. Just a little bit of a song was what we sung. "And I'm proud to be an American. At least I know I'm free.." Yep. That was the song. We also decided that was the year that we were going to go around the school to every class and sing that song. But there we were, microphone in hand, singing A Capella and way off key, but we felt every word. I don't remember what happened the rest of the evening, but I'm pretty sure we all had fun. What kid doesn't love dancing to their heart's content with a bunch of adults?

Where are you?

I have had an overwhelming response to my last post on what to do. However, I am morally unable to continue until I have heard something from the one person I am waiting for. I know that this is my story, but it impacts more than just me.

Tight Spot

So I am in a real tight spot right now. In one way, I really want to get my story out there. In another, I'm afraid of offending people who are still in my life. I have been fighting this since before my last post. I have told my story before out-loud but never in print like this. It is still MY story, right? Any advise?

LIke a mudslide

So my life was like a mudslide at this point in time. Even though my dad had just died, i still didn't believe it. Everything else kept moving whether or not I was ready for it. School kept going. The seasons were changing from winter into spring. Spring~ what a weird thought. Thinking of new life and growth when I still hadn't dealt with death yet. But who should have to deal with death at the age of 9? Dealing with mortality is never an easy thing especially when we~ as humans ~ like to believe that we are immortal for at least part of our lives. Some hold on to that for way too long, and some receive the shock of reality way too early.

My mom was continuing to date, which we all seemed to be okay with. He was young, energetic and liked to wrestle with all of us. His son was funny and liked video games ~ so, in other words, we all got along just fine.

I was unable to process what was happening to us. My life seemed so surreal. It was like when you are dreaming and you know that you're dreaming but it still feels so real and everything in it is so believable that when you wake up you have to think about if it WAS real. I was just wondering when this dream would end.

Missing...

After the week of his funeral, our lives went back to what was to be our new normal. I seemed to be walking around in a serious fog. I had absolutely no concentration. It wasn't until I got my report card that my mom realized that how hard I was taking it. I received my first "F" in social studies. Luckily she, and my teacher, understood why.

Christmas was approaching very quickly. It seemed so surreal to be decorating a lifeless home. None of us knew exactly how to handle the holiday without our dad. When Christmas morning came, knowing that we had even less money than we had in the past, I wasn't too optimistic. We all kind of shuffled out into the living room like zombies just awaking from their death sleep. When I looked, and I mean really looked, into the living room, it was completely full of presents! I had never seen so many gifts in any one room before, and they were all for us. A couple from our church, knowing of our family's circumstances, bought us gifts. To this day, none of us know who the couple was. That was the first year that the Super Nintendo came out and it was there.. right there in our pile. Out of what was the worst tragedy our family could face, we were blessed.


After the new year had come and passed, my days seemed endless. I kept myself going by believing that my dad was really still alive. I wanted to think that he would be home any day now. That he would sweep us all up in a hug that would never end. I wanted my daddy back. I wanted our life to go back to the way it was before. But that was not to be. Our lives were about to change even more.

Later that month, we had our aunt and uncle over. They had asked to bring someone and his son. This man had been over before and had hung out with my dad. All us kids, including his son, were playing the Super Nintendo. I went to the bathroom with the pocket door, and heard some talking from the next room before I went in. I peeked through the crack of our den door and saw my mom and this man kissing. My heart started pounding. I hurriedly closed the door and sat down. I remember repeating "it's not true, it's not true. It can't be". I had always had a weird feeling about that man. I couldn't pin-point it at the time, but it was just weird. So after I was done peeing, I went back into the living room where all the other kids were huddled around the Super NES. I sat down with a complete "deer in the headlights" look. I turned to Mikey, the man's son, and asked him if he cared our parents were kissing. He just shrugged and didn't really care. All I could think about was I felt like my mom was cheating on my dad right in front of my eyes, as I still believed in my grieving world that he would come home, and there was nothing I could do. Nothing.

More to come

Sorry I have not posted anything lately. I have been helping my fiance remodel his bathroom and now I can barely move. I was in an accident 8 months ago and now have some pretty severe injuries in my neck. I happen to always over-do it and end up paying for it for the next following couple of days. I will be sitting down soon to write some more.. so keep your eyes peeled :-D

My life was turned upside down

I refused to believe what had happened. After we found out that my dad was really gone, they came back in and asked if we wanted to go see him. I refused, vehemently. I did not want to be convinced. To me, he was still alive. When his funeral came around and the whole family was joined over the tragedy, I pretended to be perfectly fine. Everyone commended me on my quick action and my grown up attitude. My oldest brother, Todd, told me that I was his hero and he could not believe what all I had done. I accepted the praise, but still refused to admit that he was gone. I had been out of school the whole week but decided the day after the funeral I was going to go with one of my friends who had come to the funeral. We got on the bus in the morning, but by the early afternoon, right after lunch, my mom stopped by and asked how I was doing. I told her I wanted to go home. When we all finally returned back to school, my grades took a complete downward spiral. I would sit in class and daydream that my dad was coming home that afternoon to give us all hugs and kisses and we could all go on with our lives as normal. I had no idea on how to deal with the loss. My mom was also in total shock and denial. None of us knew how to talk about it. So we all let it fester up inside. How do you talk about something that no one wants to believe?? How do you handle that grief? I just pretended that he was away on a trip and he would be coming home soon. That is how I dealt with it the rest of that year.